And the Winner is...

Nothing brings out the cranky, hyper-competitive Bitchmama in me like elementary school awards ceremonies. Really? Is a sweaty, two hour commemoration of the many, MANY milestones of the second grade class absolutely necessary? Didn't we all just do this last year? And won't we be doing it again a year from now?

 One of the reasons I get my feathers ruffled about these things is that during Lily's three year tenure at her exclusive, touchy-feely private school, I feel as though I've watched the same small group of kids collect every award from 'Math Superkid' to 'Kindest Friend on the planet' and after a while it grates on me that my kid, a good-hearted and sensitive little person, gets sorta passed over. I admit I have a total double standard here. If my daughter were one of the award-hoarders on stage, weighed down with medals and ribbons and gold fucking stars, you bet I'd be straddling two theater seats, whistling and whooping and acknowledging all the other parents with an "IN YOUR FACE!" crotch-grab. But after a while it gets hard to muster the enthusiasm to keep on clappin as little Susie collects yet another trophy and her parents just sort of shrug it off, "Well, what do you expect? We're both neurosurgeons!" and my kid stays firmly planted in her seat for the marathon celebration of her classmates' accomplishments.

 Funny thing is, this is not Lily's issue at all. It's mine only; mine mine mine. In fact, my kid routinely skips out of these end-of-the-year ceremonies with her self-esteem firmly intact while I feel like I've just had to sit through one of the Saw movies while being force-fed glass. It is my nature to overanalyze and whip myself into a frenzy of worry over things that are beyond my control. It's so fun being me!!! With each perceived oversight of my daughter's awesomeness, I feel myself slipping down a slimy drain of self-flagellation, battling thoughts like,

 "It's your fault she's going to grow up to be a stripper."

 "She didn't win the presidential physical fitness award? Better invest in those leg braces now. She'll probably need them by the end of third grade."

 "You're such a shitty mom that wild animals could have done a better job raising your kid. In fact, there they are now at the door, asking you to give her back."

 Why do I do this to myself??? Lily is FINE. She's better than fine, hell. She's got a better sense of self than I could have hoped to at twice her age. I'm the one with the damned issues. So what if she never wins any awards? She knows she's a good kid, and deep down I know it's because she is being raised well. But dang, I have got to figure out how to let myself off the hook. Any ideas?